Sick at Last
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!" After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
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Pink Suit Sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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Perks of reaching 50
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with elevator music.
13. Your eyes won't get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the samenight.
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Phrases of Wisdom
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. - Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. - No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. - A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. - Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. - Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. - Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. - Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. - Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. - Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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20th Anniversary
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
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Overly Suspicious
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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Buying a Machine Factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
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Weird News
Emu blocks traffic for two hours
NEW STANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- Pennsylvania State Police say they used a stun gun to subdue an emu that blocked traffic for about two hours near the Pennsylvania Turnpike's New Stanton exit. State troopers said the emu, an Australian cousin to the ostrich, had become trapped Monday between 5-foot-high traffic barriers and resisted all previous attempts to catch it -- including a an attempted cowboy-style lassoing, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported "It created a backlog of traffic," said state police Sgt. Anthony DeLuca. "Vehicles almost wrecked into each other, into the bird. We tried to chase it down and tried to catch it. "Once it got in there it got stuck, and it didn't know what to do." He said troopers eventually used a stun gun on the 4-foot-tall bird and moved it to the side of the roadway but it died shortly after. "I think what happened is after about two hours of running on the roadway, it probably had a heart attack," he said.
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Police seek 62 mph skateboarder
ULM , Germany (UPI) -- Police in Germany say they are on the lookout for a skateboarder who used a boost from a motorcycle to travel 62 mph down the Ulm-Stuttgart motorway. Authorities said the skateboarder, whose feat was captured on video and broadcast on German TV, traveled for two miles down the steep stretch of highway at excessive speeds, Sky News reported Wednesday. The man, who police said they believe to be a professional stuntman, wore a helmet and a red and white protective suit while speeding down the road. Investigators said he held onto the back of a motorcycle for some time to help him pick up speed.
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Pet's ID chip helps cops take toddler home
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., say a pet chip implanted in a dog accompanying a 2-year-old girl who had wandered off helped them find the toddler's home. Officers said they received reports of the child, identified as Annabelle Fabrizio, chasing the dog into traffic at about 7:45 a.m. Sunday, The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday. The police report of the incident said officers contacted an animal control officer who traced the pet back to registered owner Barbie Molina. The woman told police she had given the pooch to the young girl's mother, Melissa Fabrizio. Police said they took the toddler, who was clad only in a diaper, to her home, where babysitter Nick Westmoreland, 16, told officers he had thought the young girl was asleep in her room. Officers said the house's sliding door had been left open.
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Woman: Police targeting her car
CINCINNATI (UPI) -- A Cincinnati woman says she has been pulled over repeatedly because police believe her car is connected to a wanted criminal. Rashawn Edwards said she has been pulled over six times since June -- despite not breaking any traffic laws -- because new license plate recognition cameras used by Cincinnati police run her vehicle registration or identification number and tell cops the car is tied to a wanted Cleveland criminal Edwards says she doesn't know, WLWT-TV in Cincinnati reported Wednesday. "I've been pulled over by just about every police district there is in Cincinnati," she said. Edwards said each time she is pulled over, police approach the car cautiously. "It's not guns drawn, but they are kind of intimidated, so they tell us, 'Don't move, stay in the car,'" she said. She said her complaints to the police department and Alfred Motors, which is leasing her car, have failed to yield any results. "I would like to keep the car, but at the same time I would like something to be done about it," she said. "I'm tired of being pulled over every time I drive my car."