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*From British Newspapers*
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
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"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."
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A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
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NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything; where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
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Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.""Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.""The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.""Under same management for over 2000 years.""Soul food served here.""Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!""Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.""Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?""Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.""Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!""Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.""It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.""What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?""A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.""The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.""Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.""Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.""Forbidden fruit creates many jams.""Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!""Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.""If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of thedevil's orchard.""To belittle is to be little.""Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness inyou.""God answers kneemail.""Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take youback."