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Southern Advice
If you are from the northern states and planning on
visiting or moving to the South, there are a few
things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has
'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle
Houses.
The North has dating services, The South has family
reunions.
The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee
Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names, The South has double
first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.
The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car
races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
The North has green salads, The South has collard
greens.
The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible
Belt.
AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are
ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or
child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense
here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this," you should stay out of the way. These are
likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence
is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't
matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the
middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to
drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed
and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own
their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and
their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow
a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it
a driveway.
AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call
'em biscuits.
Have a good day!
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Outstanding In His Field
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road
and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of
the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled?
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who
are out standing in their field."
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A young blonde lady had the windows in her house
replaced with new double insulated energy efficient
windows.
Twelve months later she gets a call from the
contractor, complaining that the work has been done
for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one
on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in
one year they would pay for themselves".
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Does anyone think our Heavenly Father doesn't have a sense of humor? I recently read the following story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke The tree went "boing!"and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to yourkeeping," and went on about his business.A few days later he was at the grocery store, andmet one of his church members. He happened tolook into her shopping cart and was amazed tosee cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat foodwhen you hate cats so much?"She replied, "You won't believe this," and thentold him how her little girl had been begging herfor a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out inthe yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,and landed right in front of her." Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
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Out of Fuel
Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."