A Father's Wisdom
I don't ever add comments to the jokes I send out, so don't get upset while I interrupt today's joke. (If you don't like this part you can skip it.) This will probably not be a regular occurance, but today's joke reminded me of my ever decreasing parenting skills. It seems that the longer you do this parenting thing, the more you seem to realize that you're making mistakes. Hopefully, our kids will turn out alright.
Our third child was born two weeks ago and I am still amazed at the miracle of life. How is it that a child can be born and start to breathe? How do tiny babies survive manhandling by us clumsy dads? You have no idea why until it happens to you, but I emphatically agree that the absolute best days of my life were the births of my three children. Stop a minute today and thank God for the miracle of life and that first breath that leads to a lifetime of joy and happiness, which we can share through humor.
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Blood Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !
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Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
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"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all
said that they are the person who should answer the phone
at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most
Americans think that the White House should just get a
receptionist." -Conan O'Brien
***
And remember... Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90 per cent probability you'll
get it wrong.
***
"
to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish
I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman
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Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before
summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and
the broken gate -- household projects that had awaited me
all summer.
When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I
grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."
"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up
those projects."
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At the urging of his doctor, John moved to
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older
man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is
this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here
I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.
I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had
to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
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Income
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
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Say What?
Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known
primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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Wake Up
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children
one day.
"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?"
asks Joan.
"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat
on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog!"
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Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Murphy's Laws of Work
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- The longer the title, the less important the job.
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.