Southern Style

Southern Style

Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

Elisabeth Elliot:

Elisabeth Elliot: I think of that little girl, Fanny Crosby. Probably most of you know who Fanny Crosby was. She was a little girl back in the 1800s, who by a doctor's mistake, became blind when she was six weeks old. And when she was nine years old, she wrote this poem.

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!

Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.

"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!

Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.

One with a good point from a friend:

One with a good point from a friend:

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Things Not To Do While Driving

Things Not To Do While Driving

As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)

OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)

DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)

DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped

WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)

DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving

DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)

DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")

DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")

CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)

DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase

OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)

DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune

OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS  Driving While Stupid