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SocksWhen I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks. "Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."Relieved, I started to ring up the sale, until she interrupted me. "Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
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Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)Greek grapes.Red lorry, yellow lorry.Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemyanemone.Freshly-fried flying fish.The epitome of femininity.Common Twisters:She sells seashells by the seashore.The shells she sells are surely seashells.So if she sells shells on the seashore,I'm sure she sells seashore shells.Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers,Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piperpicked?How much wood would a woodchuck chuckIf a woodchuck could chuck wood?He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,And chuck as much as a woodchuck wouldIf a woodchuck could chuck wood.Tongue Twister Poems:Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's sawBefore See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawedSoar's seesaw.So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sorejust because See's saw sawedSoar's seesaw.Betty Botter had some butter,"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.If I bake this bitter butter,It would make my batter bitter.But a bit of better butter,That would make my batter better."So she bought a bit of butter -Better than her bitter butter -And she baked it in her batter;And the batter was not bitter.So 'twas better Betty BotterBought a bit of better butter.
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No offence to Texans, but - You Know You're from Texaswhen:You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranchdressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.You design your Halloween costume to fit over WranglerJeans and Cowboy Boots.The mosquitoes have landing lights.You have more miles on your tractor than your car.You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was90 degrees outside.Driving is better after it's rained because thepotholes are filled with mud and you don't have totake those backroads to go "mudding."You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.The local paper covers national and internationalheadlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6pages for local sports.You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2Hungr-Busters and fries.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meatprocessing plant.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.You think the start of Deer season is a nationalholiday.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, sothe coyotes won't prowl on your deck.You know which leaves make good toilet paper.The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it'ssausage making.You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, yourfinest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, StillSummer, and Deer Season.You actually understand these jokes and forward themto all your Texan and Yankee friends.
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Mess Cake
The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them.
After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.
A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.
The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he asked.
The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."
The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?"
The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good."
The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."
The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Peanuts
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
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Dear Spike,I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter tobreak off her engagement to you. Will you forgive andforget?I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, andpierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really thatdangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way Idid to the fact that you have never held a job.I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live underthe bridge in the park.Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you insteadof going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all,you can't learn everything about life from books. Isometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was afool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my fullblessing to marry my daughter.Sincerely,Your future father-in-lawP. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery!
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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests the electronics of the car be removed down to its parts and then try to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that may be the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again? Maybe it'll work!?"