Wednesday, September 27, 2006

hUMOR For Sept. 27th

"Rough Flight"
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
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Today's CleanQuote
"Make friends before you need them."
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"Foot in Mouth Disease"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor has a foul body odor and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again."
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
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1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"

2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a
week's pay!

3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"

4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments,
"We are paying you too much money!"

5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.

6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.

7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!

8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you
"Stay in the Word.")

9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before
you leave.

10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your
spirit."

11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken
and discover you were.
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After I got looking at the want-ads, I noticed an ad which read, "Persian
Cat. Free to Good Home."

I called the woman who placed the ad. She started bragging on the bloodline,
virtues, training, etc., etc.

I interrupted her. "Never mind all that, lady. Is he tender?"
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The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way
to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many
tests, the learned professors made their report:

"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the
desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like --
hot or cold?'"
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"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson