Saturday, November 20, 2004

hUMOR For November 20th

********************************
Thanks to marti -- Mother's Patience

Little Johnny had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin.

"If I hear you call 'Mother' one more time, you will be punished," she warned him sternly.

For a while it was quiet, and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs, "Mrs. Jones?
Can I have a drink of water?"

******************************************************

Thanks to marti -- Food for Thought

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 cups of coffee...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. FIRST Praise God and Do His will, Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID.

******************************************************

Thanks to AB for the following piece offered for your entertainment...

(This is hilarious; no wonder some people were
offended!)

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.


This is the actual answering machine message for the
school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent ----- Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work ------ Press 2

"To complain about what we do ----- Press 3

"To swear at staff members ----- Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you ----- Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child ----- Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone ----- Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year ---- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation ----- Press 9

"To complain about school lunches ----- Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English thank a Veteran.
********************************
Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"
********************************
Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.
She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
********************************
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled,
"I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski tomorrow morning."
********************************
Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc. I don't have any money.
********************************
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from hernameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog sayshis name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelainelephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bankmanager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger outthere who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wantsto use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"(you're gonna love this)SCROLL DOWN


The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's aRolling Stone."
********************************
An Italian, and Irishman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping".

To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling"

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile".

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian guy "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian guy replies in a heavy accent "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear And I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!!"
-----------------------------
OK, now that you've belly-laughed, get back to work!!!!!!!