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Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"
• They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
• Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
• It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
• It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
• The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
• They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
• The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
• Top speed is only about 45 mph.
• Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
• It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
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From PackyHumor: Dogs' New Year Resolutions
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.
* I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw
up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not scootch my bottom along the carpet to
rid myself of hangers-on.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc.
* The litter box is not a cookie jar.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not
tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not
the red ones or my people will think that I am
hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not
bark each time I hear one on the TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all
over the back yard with them
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither is Mom's
lap.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he
reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car
registration.
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For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives:
At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated "If General Motors had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments,
GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of
the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason, you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of
the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "General
Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers
would have to learn to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.
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Problem Solved...
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to
blame if something goes wrong in the house.
One father explained to a friend how he solved the
problem: "I send all three to bed without letting
them watch television. In the morning I go after the
one with the black eye!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From SK:
What do you call a multistorey pig pen? A sty scraper.
What do they call the lines of cabs at the Dallas/Fort
Worth airport? The yellow rows of taxis!
Why did the band leader bring the bull into the
marching band? He wanted to take the bull by the
horns." (Betty Debnam)
What do baseball players eat on? Home plates!
What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
Getting the scoop!
Which state is a heavyweight in laundry? Washing ton.
THE PUNS
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps
back to admire his work.
Perfect Match...He's a Geologist and she's got rocks
in her head.
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she
winks back.
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for sky
diving.
A photographer may lose his job because of a negative
review.
The child comes home from his first day at school. His
Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid
replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow."