MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS1 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.2 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.3 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.4 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.5 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.6 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.7 If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.8 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.9 The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.10 The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.11 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.12 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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How Old?A grandfather asks his grandson: "How old are you?"The grandson replies: "Five".Grandfather says: "When I was your age I was six!"
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The Blind Man
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
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The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.
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Speeding Blonde
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".
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For The Kids...
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight? When they had lots of sleepless knights! How do bees get to school?By school buzz! How did you do in your tests?I did what George Washington did!
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PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I
don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work
in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets,
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half
million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of
Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill
all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new
title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially
independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are
offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you
play your cards right.