ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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Don't pick your nose when you're finger painting.
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A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question."What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
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"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
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CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
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Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
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”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
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A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
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Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!