Grandma and God
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
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A Fishing Lure
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" The Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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Soap Thief
Q: What kind of person steals soap?
A: A dirty crook
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T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe
- "My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the
- "Have you hugged a wookie today?"
- "I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)
- "My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"
- "Emperor's slugs need love too"
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"This week a man in
manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of
Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,
my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is
the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except
the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's
like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's
tomb." -David Letterman
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Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and
rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he
was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really
bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.
Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
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A friend went to her doctor the other day, and the man was
not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just
have to learn to live it," he said.
When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the
notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"
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Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
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The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient
And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called, 'Amazon Dot Com'.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband;
'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said: 'How, dear?'
And Dot replied:
'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did hide himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'
And as Abraham looked out over the
And Dot replied:
'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO!' said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.
Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.
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Shaving Technique
A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
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Car Wash
A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip.
They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP.
On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two
o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any
customers. Finally, one of the singers had an idea.
She printed a very large poster with the words:
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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All Out of Anaesthetic
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"