Vacuum Salesman
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
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A doctor and a lawyer met at a party
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning." The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
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What is 2 * 2 ?
Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know?" Medical Student : "I memorized it."
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For The Kids...
Vernie: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! What did Noah do for a job?He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke!
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First AidThe third grade class was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"After a pause, one of the students answered, "Easy! I'd climb through the window!"
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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying
on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid
would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
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It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers
at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary,
Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers,
but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary.
You're Number 2."
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"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I
broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a
free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie
down with the luggage." --Glen Super
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New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends.
So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other
woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball
in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband."
Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And
that's my husband - the fat one."
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The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the
license that his cab driver's name was "Winston Churchill."
Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is
Winston Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter
said, "That's a pretty famous name."
The driver responded with: "As well it should be too. I've
been driving a cab here for over forty years."
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Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. "Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
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A Lawyer and an IRS Agent
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) read the paper?
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Philosophy & Mathematics
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
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For The Kids...
Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was! Mother: How was your first day at school?Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!