Tuesday, January 31, 2006

hUMNOR For Jan 31st

In the year 1981,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.

In the year 2005,

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" [Then the kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! ]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five Myths About Lawyers

As an alumnus of Yale Law School who spent less time practicing law
than studying it, I take great pleasure in offering unrequested
advice to people contemplating a career in law. Here are five myths
about legal education and practice.

Myth #1: A legal education is a great means to embark on any of a
variety of non-legal careers.

Absolutely true. If studying law doesn't get you to embark on a
non-legal career, then nothing will.

Myth #2: Legal thought is intellectually rigorous.

Also true. Law students have been known to spend days debating
whether an italicized comma differs in appearance from a normal
comma, and which comma should be employed when citing sections of the
United Hairstylists Personal Hygiene Code. As a lawyer might say,
"that's not just rigor, that's rigor mortis." (i.e., "that's some
deadly serious Latin rigor.")

Myth # 3: Life as a high-powered attorney at a big New York firm is
exciting and glamorous.

This is entirely true, if:

1) You laugh uncontrollably when your great uncle Larry does his
impersonation of Dwight Eisenhower eating potato salad;

2) Your adrenalin flows when you spot a typographical error in the
want ads of the Guilford Post-Gazette; or

3) Your bedroom wall features a large framed photograph of you
shaking hands with Home Depot's Vice President in Charge of Shower
Curtain Inventory because it's a moment you wish to cherish forever.

Myth #4: Most national leaders went to law school, so if you go to
law school, you will probably become a national leader.

If you subscribe to this myth, there are a few things you should
know. First, you will bomb the LSAT so completely that your driver's
license will be revoked. Second, there are other ways to become a
national leader. You could make a billion dollars playing Internet
poker, for example. Or you could get married to Renee Zellweger and
three days later have the vows annulled. Or you could write a
self-help book entitled "Reorganizing the FEMA Within." Remember that
this is America and ergo ("ergo" is Latin for "out of the pale, pale
blue") leadership is as close as the next episode of "The Apprentice."

Myth #5: Being a lawyer brings with it vast wealth.

The accessibility of big money is undeniable. Let's say you are a
first-year associate in New York. Your parents tell all their
friends, who experience such acute boredom that they drift away from
the conversation to watch their cuticles age. But that is beside the
point. The point is that you make about $125K a year. You work the
standard 120 hours a week (and bill clients for at least twice that),
so your job is equivalent to three jobs of 40 hours a week that each
pay you $41,667 per year. Given your high tax bracket and the vodka
martinis you feel compelled to buy for friends who are "artists"
living off trust funds they never mention, you probably come away
dead even with someone working normal hours at $29,000 per year.
Namely the guy who conducts Jell-O salad taste tests for a nursing-home chain.

Ah, you say, but here's the rub: Whereas the Jell-O taster may never
make anything of himself, you will one day become partner. Yes,
partner! When that big ship docks at your port, you will have
permission to use the partner-only bathroom, first pick of the firm's
Shea Stadium seats right behind the visitors' dugout, and oodles and
oodles of cash. You will stuff your mattress so full with Krugerrands
that you will sleep with your face squished against the ceiling. Even
after making payment on your two alimonies, three mortgages, and
endless pharmacy bills for anti-depressants, you will have enough
left over each month to buy two decaf triple grande mocha eggnog lattes.

But the question is: Will you be happy? And the answer is simple: Not
if they're decaf.