******************************** *Military Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make youquite unpopular in what's left of your unit."-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."-Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop ******************************** Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota (sad but true)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Minnesota
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota
If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Minnesota
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Minnesota
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Minnesota
You know you're a true MINNESOTAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Iowa.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find -20 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not
medicine.
24. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
25. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends. ********************************
Golfer's Tall Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's
turn. "Well, he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through
a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on
fire."
"What did you do?", asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim,
and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine
before any major damage was done."
******************************** Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead" "
What?" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."
"How?" says James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes" says James.
"Good" remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes." ******************************** A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!" ********************************
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After
everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the
church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you
know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My
stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!"