CleanQuote
"Love is insanity with a collaborator."
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Captain Can't Swim
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College
in
the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its
research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain
couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would
approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat
captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
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Hurry Up!
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a
big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as
possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous
woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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Great Story
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"
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Fairy Tale Taxes
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
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But Seriously
In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"
My reply is, "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"
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One Chair
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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Weird News
Obama sock monkey still possible
David and Elizabeth Lawson of
However, the Lawsons said Monday that "a few new opportunities have been presented" to produce the monkey.
The couple also issued a statement detailing some of the hate mail and death threats they have received ,as well as decrying what they consider to be hypocrisy on the part of those who labeled the toy racist.
"It's OK for there to be hundreds of thousands of Google sites containing references to our current president's resemblance to a chimpanzee," the statement said. "However, it's not OK to make that same association regarding our possible next president."
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Minn.
GILLAM, Manitoba (UPI) -- Two Minnesota teens have completed their goal of paddling a canoe 2,200 miles from Minneapolis to Hudson Bay in northern Canada.
It took Sean Bloomfield and Colton Witte, two 18-year-olds from Chaska, from April 28 to this past Sunday to complete their trip to the Arctic Ocean, the Star Tribune in
"There's no way to put into words the feeling of finishing. A sense of relief and satisfaction and enjoyment. And pride. We just stopped paddling, and I put my hands on my head and looked at the bay," Witte told the newspaper about his thoughts at the completion of their epic travels.
"We paddled from
Their adventure was spawned by reading Eric Sevareid's book, "Canoeing With the Cree," which told of the late TV newsman's 1930 trip to
The modern pair survived several near-disasters, including having their canoe swamped by a 5- or 6-foot wall of water in an unexpectedly savage rapids.
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Soft-drink carton heir flees police
Officers had come to Hans Kristian Rausing's house in the
Rausing, 45, is one of three children of Hans Rausing, who built up a large fortune making Tetra Pak soft drink cartons. His wife Eva is a
The couple were already in legal trouble because guards at the
A maid at the Rausing's house reportedly let police in Sunday. When the officers heard voices in the bedroom but no one responded to their knocks, they broke down the door and found Eva Rausing. Hans Rausing, however, remains at large.
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Alleged burglar found sleeping at scene
Investigators said police were called to the
The desk drawers were open and the former contents were on the floor, police said. They said $7 in cash and three sets of keys found on the man were taken from the office.
The suspect was charged with third-degree felony counts of burglary and criminal mischief and one count of misdemeanor theft.
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A Paradigm
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy
as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He
missed.
Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the
greatest batter ever!" He missed again.
He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed
the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever
lived!" He swung hard and missed.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"
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"Intelligent" Life
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible... ...we could never do it... ...yes sir, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... ...he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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"Wake Up!"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...
"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"
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Oneliner
"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
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CleanPun - "Ethical Question"
"Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of of the