Ladies Man
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."
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I'm The Boss
The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
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Mean Old Woman
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight home and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down.
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Angry Couple
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be-
tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States
on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? President Bush
commented on this today, he said, 'Why do we need our kids
to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here.'" -Jay Leno
***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my
fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be
home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving with-
out me!" -David Letterman
***
"This week, scientists have discovered a celestial body that
is 18 billion times more massive than the sun. It was im-
mediately hired to co-host The View." -Craig Ferguson
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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm
going to shoot him!"
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My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that
stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age
65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now
108."
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Dead Mule
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied: "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
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All of the Wal-Marts across Mississippi sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers, an elderly gentleman who would only give his first name as "Bubba" commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as heck ain't doin' it to Mississippi.
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New ApartmentBill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!After several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal.The landlord asked him, "How many children do you have?"Bill answered with a deep sigh, "Seven .. but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."He got the apartment!
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Fake cop nailed again at DMV
MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. (UPI) -- Authorities say they have again apprehended a New York man attempting to impersonate a police officer -- or a state official -- or a bail bondsman. Patrick Jabbour, 39, was arrested Friday at state Department of Motor Vehicles offices for at least the third time, attempting to pass himself off as a law enforcement agent. He has already done prison time for burglary, robbery and impersonating a police officer, Newsday reported. Jabbour's disheveled, long-haired, tattooed personal appearance helped investigators track him down at the DMV, where officials were also investigating him for helping "customers with their DMV transactions," police said. Jabbour faces charges of felony criminal impersonation and possession of a weapon. He was already out on bail following a July arrest on another impersonation charge.
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Mysterious manatee remains elusive
NEW YORK (UPI) -- Several people have reported seeing a manatee in the New York area, though confirmation of the marine mammal's visit remained elusive. Elaine Swedish-Rimmer, 70, said she saw the big beast Friday while fishing on a floating dock in Huntington, N.Y., Newsday reported. "I hear this grunting noise and I look down, and at first I thought it was a mass of seaweed," Swedish-Rimmer said. "Then, all of a sudden, it's this huge mass coming down." A family in the New York town also reported seeing the manatee off a nearby dock Wednesday, but both witness reports had yet to be confirmed. The creature, thought to between nine to 10 feet long, may have also been spotted in Centerport, N.Y., Saturday as several witnesses claim to have seen a manatee-like animal in area waters. Manatees are not native to the area, though experts say it isn't unheard for one to travel so far north, Newsday said.
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Cops bust movie set, not robbery
SALEM, Mass. (UPI) -- Police officers in North Andover, Mass., inadvertently interrupted a movie set thinking it was the site of a robbery attempt, a director says. Director John Depew said he was filming a scene at a North Andover convenience store last weekend when police suddenly stormed in to apprehend their suspects, Boston's WCVB-TV reported. "They came in and they said, 'Drop the gun' and I couldn't see the officer because he was behind (me)," Depew said. "I said, 'It's a movie, it's a movie -- we're filming a movie!'" Depew said two actors playing robbers were placed in handcuffs by the officers, but were released after the situation was explained. WCVB-TV said the confusion was brought about by a mistaken 911 call from someone who said an actual robbery was taking place at the store.
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