hUMOR For April 15th

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"

The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

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Cryptographers

A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes.

One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing.

Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter.

The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number".

When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter.

One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"

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Lawyer Jokes

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

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Weird News

Truck could lead to house foreclosure

ROYAL PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Officials in a Florida community say they are willing to foreclose on two brothers' house for not paying fines for illegally keeping a big truck there.

Christopher and Jeff George of Royal Palm Beach lost their appeal of the $10,000 in fines the village levied against them over the course of two years for keeping a Ford F-650 truck, the second-largest truck made by Ford, in the residential neighborhood, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Wednesday.

The brothers argued unsuccessfully in court that the village was violating their constitutional rights by not allowing them to keep the truck at home. The Palm Beach County Circuit Court sided with the village, and Lynda Walker, the village's code enforcement supervisor, said Royal Palm Beach may foreclose on the $348,000 house to recover the unpaid fines.

Jeff George, 27, said he plans a further appeal, but will pay the fines before losing the house.

"I'm going to appeal it again," he said. "It's not going to end until I win. I'm in the right."

Korea POW insists he is still alive

BELLEVUE, Wash. (UPI) -- A Bellevue, Wash., man whose jet was shot down over Korea in 1953 says he still has trouble persuading the U.S. government he is alive.

Edwin "Nick" Nixon, 79 -- who was spent six months in North Korean prisoner of war camps after his plane was shot down during the war -- said the Internal Revenue Service and Social Security Administration send him letters from time to time questioning whether he is still alive, The Seattle Times reported Wednesday.

"Now I've got the name and phone number of a woman at Social Security who fixes it," Nixon said. "I used to have to write letters and go to the local office to prove I was alive."

Nixon was declared dead after his jet was shot down March 1, 1953, and his name remains on a list of those killed-in-action at the Garden of Remembrance in Seattle.

The former pilot recently authored a book about his experiences, titled "Killed in Action -- Dead ... Wrong!"

Jet lands on Fla. road

OKEECHOBEE, Fla. (UPI) -- Motorists said they were shocked when a TS-11 Iskra training jet landed on a stretch of State Road 70 outside of Okeechobee, Fla.

Shannon Bobbitt said she was driving and talking on her cell phone to her husband Monday when the van in front of her suddenly swerved out of her line of sight, revealing a curious presence just above the road, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported Wednesday.

"There was an airplane coming down the road," she said.

Bobbitt and several other motorists managed to swerve out of the path of the aircraft.

The two-passenger jet, piloted by Bob Jeffery, managed to avoid power lines and cars as it made an emergency landing on the road. Jeffery told Okeechobee County sheriff's officials the jet lost power in mid-air and the road was the safest landing spot he could find.

No one was injured in the incident.

The Federal Aviation Administration said it has been notified of the emergency landing and the National Transportation Safety Board has begun an investigation.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Hillary Clinton's senior campaign adviser, a guy named Mark Penn, has left the campaign. Apparently, he was coming under some heavy sniper fire... As her campaign strategist, Mark Penn is widely credited with catapulting Hillary from her virtual shoe-in to second place." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O'Brien

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced he will not -- will not -- accept the nomination for vice president. Which is really important, considering no one has asked him." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien

"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

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Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that does' t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

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Redneck

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

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Good Question

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!

"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"

Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."

The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.

"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

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"The Golf Masters is on CBS. If Fox had the Golf Masters,

they'd extreme it up. You'd have to play an actual Tiger

instead of Tiger Woods." -Craig Ferguson

***

"In England now, you can buy a $100 cup of coffee — or as

Starbucks calls it, half off." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"During a speech President Bush urged Chinese leaders to

talk to the Dalai Lama and called him 'a really fine man.'

Bush said, 'I used to be reluctant to meet with him — then

I found out he's not a real llama.'" -Conan O'Brien

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A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a

certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and

wrote the merchant a threatening letter.

He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean

by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my

bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to

pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many

bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't

like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills

in the hat."

hUMOR For April 14th

If You'll be Quiet

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.

As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher

insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how

to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an

offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few

minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp

on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your

drink ... don't talk with your mouth full."

Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just

a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."

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The “NEW” IRS

Guido "Scarface" Linguini, Acting Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service, announced new reforms to that agency's rules in dealing with taxpayers. The IRS has come under fire recently for its "mafia-like" collection activities and disregard for taxpayers' rights. "Starting next Monday," Linguini announced, "we will not pursue delinquent taxpayers after their death." Previously, the IRS was known to levy on the bodies of deceased taxpayers.

Other reforms announced today include:

1. The IRS will respond to taxpayer complaints "within one or two years at the most."
2. The practice of setting collection quotas by IRS office will cease. "We will establish regional quotas, instead," Linguini announced. "We expect to get a certain percentage of revenues from the North, South, East and West," he added.
3. IRS will no longer presume it is always correct when it sends out a notice of delinquency to a taxpayer. "We will randomly sample the notices, and assume we have made a mistake in 1 out of every 32,000,000 such notices," Linguini added.
4. Harassment will no longer be the watchword for IRS agent behavior. "Intimidation, however, will still be allowed," Linguini noted.
5. The practice of targeting poor taxpayers for collection activity on the theory that poorer people would be less likely to hire lawyers and fight the IRS will be terminated. "We are going to shift our collection focus to middle-income taxpayers, meaning anyone making from $5,000 a year to $15,000 a year," Linguini commented.
6. Use of the IRS for political purposes will cease, according to Linguini. "No longer will a Congressman be able to ask us to audit his opponents." Requests for hostile audits will still be honored if made by the White House.
7. Particular types of taxpayers will become the targets of our new collection focus. "It is obvious tax evasion is more common in some businesses and professions than it is in others," Linguini noted. "Therefore we will target waitresses, lawyers, landscapers, construction workers, and multi-level marketing promoters for audits," he added.
8. IRS will put on a new face to the public. "We will paint our offices a pretty blue, and ask our employees to quit wearing chain mail and black capes," Linguini proudly announced.
9. IRS will also change its motto from "stand and deliver" to "pay your taxes or else."
10. And in its final reform step, IRS will no longer follow children home from school. "I think we can wait to intimidate them when they grow up," Linguini said.

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"Mechanic Applicant"

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.

The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"

The mechanic nods, confused.

"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"

"Oh yes," says the mechanic.

"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"

"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.

"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.

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Oneliner

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"

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CleanPun - "Gross Ignoramus"

A gross ignoramus: 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

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”Call Boxes”

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"

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Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My
sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day.
Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I
asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike
so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the
pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started
dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

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Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

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A Colorful Reunion

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and was with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were related."

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A Reflective Picture

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly so-and-so he’s runnin’ around with.”

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Might as Well Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of necessaries for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"