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Thanks to memphisbelle -- Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a
good cat all these years. You can have anything you
desire, all you have to do is ask.'
Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats,
dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each
mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on
its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'
'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and
yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
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Quantum Date
Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.
The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician
makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool,
man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a cone? You never know ... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
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On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
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On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
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Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."
"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease
them into it."
"How?" asks James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that
you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the
roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be
ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes," says James.
"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back,
tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the
vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me.
Got it?"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
********************************
Thanks to La Mi for a bunch of good stuff!
YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF...
You have to pass through a metal detector to get
inside.
The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and
His Ark of Many Colors."
The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as
a polka!
They believe that an elected official attending the
worship service is a violation of the separation of
Church and state.
A week before Christmas the preacher announces the
church will be "closed for the holidays."
Everyone agrees the temperature in the auditorium is
absolutely perfect!
The song leader has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a
round (a la "row row row your boat").
The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the
original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent
Tithe."
Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to
"those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
The missions budget just got cut in half, but the
finance ministry deacon just bought a "kickin'" new
Harley.
New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague
reference to jello-wrestling.
New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince
McMahon.
On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be
their preacher.
On the offering baskets is printed "Please make checks
payable directly to the preacher."
AT LEAST 6 MONTHS: I was at the drug store to pick
up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed,
and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It
was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the
front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please,
after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You
go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."
Got Lawyer?
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches
the pearly gates St. Peter tells him he is in the
wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few
weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are
going. Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since
you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning,
swimming pools, everything a person would ever want -
it's great!" God freaks out - "That was a mistake -
send him right back!" Satan laughs, "No way. We're
keeping him." God threatens, "I'll sue!" To which
Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are YOU going to get
a lawyer??"
***************************
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The
seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all
walk on?"
*********************
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large
dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring
his pet into the building, a bank official answered,
"Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit."
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WORDS FROM ABOVE
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Well, God tells me."
"Oh... then why do you keep crossing things out?"
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY
To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the
church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is
too hot.
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those
who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for
those that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for
those who like to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who
plan to be sick on Sunday.
The auditorium will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear
the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's
too loud!