Man of the House
A man had just finished reading the book "Man of the House" while
riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly
up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he said, "From now
on I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is
law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm
finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And
when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral director is
my guess.
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"Eggplant Sale"
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
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Oneliner
"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."
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CleanPun - "Prison Cupboards"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.
The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.
"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mom was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up, and he thought this was
a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into
trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a
bike for his birthday. "Of course," he said.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to
reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your
room, Leroy, and think about how you've behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a
bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down
to write God a letter.
Letter 1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year,
and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy."
Leroy knew this was not true, so he tore the letter up and
wrote a new one.
Letter 2: "Dear God, I have been an okay boy this year. I
still would like a bike for my birthday. Leroy."
This letter was no good either.
Letter 3: "Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry, and I will be a good boy next year if
you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please. Thank you.
Leroy."
Leroy knew this wasn't true, and now he was getting upset.
He went downstairs and told his mother he needed to go to
church. She thought her plan had worked and told him to be
home in time for dinner.
Leroy walked into the church and went to the altar. He
looked around to see if anyone was watching. He bent down,
picked up the statue of the Virgin Mary, and slipped it
under his coat.
Letter 4: "Dear God, I got your mama. If you want to see her
again, send the bike. Signed, You know who."
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The Gift
by Robert Byron
"Are you going to throw that away?"
"Yes I am. Do you want it?" asked the supervisor.
"Sure, I'll take it," replied Sam.
Sam was a poor carpenter who never had much. He had been saving substandard
and scrap building materials for years from the jobs he worked. His plan was
to save enough material to someday build a house for his family.
One Sunday morning as Sam and his family went to church, they arrived to
find out that lightening had struck the church building. The congregation
stood by the charred remains of their beloved place of worship. Many tears
were being shed. "I don't know how we will be able to rebuild the church,"
remarked the pastor. "There is no money to buy materials."
That night, Sam loaded up his old pickup truck with the substandard and
scrap material he had been collecting over the years. He made several tips
to the burned out church and neatly stacked all of the material in the
churchyard.
The next morning, the pastor, the associate pastor, the elders and deacons
met at the church to decide what they should do about finding a new place to
worship. They were quite surprised upon their arrival to find a churchyard
full of building materials.
"This plywood is all warped," said the associate pastor.
"These two by fours are bent," said a deacon.
"The sheet rock is chipped," said an elder.
"It appears that our prayers have been answered," said the pastor. "Lets
rebuild the church."
Everyone looked at the pastor as if he was out of his mind but, nonetheless,
a church was built with the material. The congregation was thankful that
they had a place to meet even though the building leaned slightly to one
side. Sam the carpenter was glad he had helped the church. Although everyone
wondered who had donated the substandard supplies, Sam never told anyone
that it was he and forever his gift remained anonymous.
The moral of this story is simply this:
If you donate your junk to the church, don't tell anybody.