Weird News
Ore. family finds giant lizard in backyard
GRANTS PASS, Ore. (UPI) -- Members of an Oregon family say they were shocked to find a 6-foot Nile Monitor lizard in their yard just feet from where their children were playing. Ryan Nelson of Grants Pass said he was taking his young children inside for their baths when he saw the 60-pound reptile in his peripheral vision, KTVL-TV of Medford reported Tuesday. "I heard a noise. I thought it was cats at first. And I looked and it's a -- what I thought was -- an alligator at first," Nelson said. "It freaked me out. I was just boggled about why it was in my yard and how it got here and how long it's been here because the kids are out here playing all the time." Nelson said his wife phoned MB Reptiles, which sent Dalton Brown to capture the Nile Monitor. Nelson and Brown said it took several minutes to capture the lizard, which had taken refuge under the family's deck. A neighbor claimed ownership of the lizard. MB Reptiles said he will be able to take the lizard home if he presents proof of ownership and compensates the pet store for the time it has been in its care.
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Politician accused of watermelon theft
EDENTON, N.C. (UPI) -- A man running for the Chowan County Board of Commissioners in North Carolina has been charged with stealing a $3 watermelon from a farmer's field. Dana Soles is scheduled to appear Sept. 23 in District Court on a felony larceny of ungathered crops charge, which could land him in jail for up to 30 months if he is convicted, the (Norfolk) Virginian-Pilot reported Tuesday. Soles said he was en route to delivering groceries to the family of a former colleague who had lost his job Aug. 21 when he came across a field of watermelons that he said he heard was due to be tilled. He said he took the watermelon and placed it in his car and admitted to initially denying he had put anything in the vehicle when a deputy stopped to ask if he was having car trouble, Sheriff Dwayne Goodwin said. Goodwin said Soles eventually admitted to taking the watermelon and was issued a summons Aug. 29. Soles said the watermelons "were rotting out there" and he "honestly didn't know it was a crime" to remove one of them. Soles is running on the Republican ticket for District 1, Seat 1 in November's race against Democrat Emmett Winborne. He said he offered to pay the farmer for the watermelon and he believes his prosecution is politically motivated. "Had I not been running for office I think things would have been different," he said. "I don't feel I'm the criminal they're making me out to be."
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Lawyers asked not to pat police backs
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia Beach, Va., judge said defense lawyers have been asked to halt the practice of patting police officers on the back. Chief General District Judge Gene Woolard said that while there has been no evidence of impropriety, the back-patting can leave the impression of a "good old boy system" that the court would rather do without, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Tuesday. A report in a recent newsletter of the Virginia Beach Bar Association said some judges worry the gesture could appear prejudicial.
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Police: Wrong number led to drug arrest
JAMESTOWN, Tenn. (UPI) -- Police in Jamestown, Tenn., said a man and his mother were arrested after they allegedly tried to trade drugs with a uniformed police officer. Investigators said Joel Beaty, 33, apparently called the wrong number when he phoned police dispatch and addressed the dispatcher, an off-duty police officer, as if he were a drug dealer, WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tenn., reported Tuesday. The officer said Beaty seemed to be under the influence of drugs when he requested that the officer come to a parking lot next to his home and sell him morphine in exchange for other drugs. The dispatch officer said he showed up in uniform to make the trade and Beaty's mother, Joyce, handed her son the drugs he was allegedly planning to trade for the morphine, the broadcaster reported. Beaty and his mother were both charged with delivery of Schedule III drugs. The 33-year-old was also charged with public intoxication.
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Alternate Forms of Communication
During an attack of laryngitis, a woman lost her voice completely for two days.
To help her communicate with him, her husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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Do You Have An HMO?Explaining American medicinesee also HMO Judgment Day
Q. What does HMO stand for?A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?A. No. Only those you need.Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?A. Poke yourself in the eye.Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?A. You really shouldn't do that.Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.Q. Will health care be different in the next century?A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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"Newborn Utterance"
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
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Oneliner
"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."
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CleanPun - "Happy Cows"
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.
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”Bacon Tree”
The Bacon Tree Back in the wild west, a westbound wagon train was lost and very low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree!!!!?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returns to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. He was disheveled and wounded. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
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Middle-Aged BarbieThe Barbie Doll was introduced in 1959. She has gone through several evolutions over the past 49 years. Now, at long last there are some NEW Barbie dolls, to coincide with her aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With handheld fan and tiny tissues.3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.