Good Dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr.
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
The other remarked that he too had gone to Dr. Taylor a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph
when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time
in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
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"Toucan Yell"
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
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Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
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"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up
to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.
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A Better Mouse Trap
by Robert Byron
Borlan Hosiery was in serious financial trouble when I left it for greener
pastures. Things were so bad that the company had to have a check ready for
raw materials when they arrived or else the truck driver would leave without
dropping them off. I decided to go to work for Nantucket Hosiery Company and
exactly one month to the day after I left Borlan Hosiery, they closed the
doors for good.
My new boss and a few others made me feel very welcome at Nantucket but
several of the technicians automatically took a disliking to me because I
had gotten a job they wanted. Some of them felt that they should have had a
shot at the job before the company hired someone from the outside. It didn't
matter that none of them were even remotely qualified for the job or that
most of them weren't qualified to do the jobs they currently held. They
started a rumor that the reason I had gotten the job was because I was an
old high school buddy of my boss without taking into account that my boss
was ten years older than me. I would have had to be an exceptionally smart
student or my boss would have had to be exceptionally slow for this to have
occurred but the fact is that I had never met my boss prior to my initial
interview at Nantucket.
My boss and I decided to spread a rumor of our own. We let it slip out that
we fought together during the Vietnam War and that I had saved my bosses
life. Brad, my boss, had given me the job in appreciation of my heroic
actions during the war. One morning as Brad and I discussed the tasks of the
day, one of the rumor ringleaders approached us to gather more gossip for
the rumor mill. "So, I heard you guys fought together in the war," he said.
"We sure did," said Brad. "As a matter of fact, I would probably be dead
today if it hadn't been for my old buddy Rob." Brad put his arm around my
shoulder.
"Is that a fact? How did he save your life?"
"Well," explained the boss, "We had been dropped behind enemy lines to do
extensive reconnaissance when we found ourselves surrounded by the enemy. We had specific orders not to be taken alive so our only alternative was to
stand and fight. As we were giving them everything we had, I was shot. I
told Rob to leave me but he wouldn't. He was firing his fifty-caliber
machine gun as he pulled me through the jungle by the waistband of my
underwear. Just as he ran out of bullets, my waistband broke.
"Wow! That's incredible! What happened next?"
"Well, there we were in the middle of the jungle behind enemy lines, I was
wounded, we were out of bullets. Rob picked up my broken waist band and
started shooting rocks at the enemy until he had killed them all."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Rob isn't even old enough
to have fought in Vietnam."
"Well, if that's the case, suppose you tell me how he's old enough to have
gone to high school with me?" With that, Brad had effectively put an end to
the "high school buddy" rumor.
Brad was an interesting as well as a highly intelligent individual. At one
time in his life he had made a hobby of making homemade guns. He told me of
an incident when he was working at a former job where he was cleaning one of
his guns while everyone else was taking a break. He was working second shift
at a small hosiery mill and was the only one in the knitting room as he
unloaded the gun. As he began cleaning it he forgot that there was a bullet
still in the chamber. The gun accidentally went off taking off a piece of
Brad's finger before blowing a hole in one of the inspection boards. Blood
gushing from his finger, he grabbed some rags and wrapped it tight.
Once the break was over he was approached by a co-worker who said, "What was
all that noise out here a little while ago?"
Brad said, "What noise?"
"A big bang. We all thought one of the machines must have torn up pretty
bad."
"That's funny. I didn't hear anything."
Brad was able to explain away his bleeding finger as an accident. He simply
said that he cut himself while working on a machine and, as luck would have
it, nobody noticed the hole in the inspection board until the next day. The
one who noticed and reported the damaged inspection board was none other
than Brad himself. He never manufactured or shot another homemade gun ever
again.
Although his gun making days were over, his inventing days weren't. Brad
made a very simple electric mousetrap using a metal plate, a plastic
Popsicle stick, a fishhook and an old electrical cord. He glued the Popsicle
stick to the center of the metal plate so that it stood up like a flagpole.
Next he glued the fishhook to the top of the Popsicle stick and then
attached one end of the electrical cord to the fishhook. He attached the
other end of the electrical cord to the metal plate and put a piece of
cheese on the hook. He plugged the cord into a wall socket and waited for
the trap to work.
We were sitting in his living room on a Sunday afternoon watching a football
game when the lights dimmed for a couple of seconds. Brad looked over at me
and quietly said, "Got one." He led me into a backroom of his house where I
witnessed a smoking mouse dangling from a fishhook. I must say that the
smell was absolutely horrid but it did bring back fond memories of when Brad
and I had fought together in the jungles of Vietnam.