Important Legal Terminology
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.
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Comfortable
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
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Getting a Promotion
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest. "O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" asked the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
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Drugs
I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that dope gone yet?
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Abbott & Costello on Computers
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and
I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What
do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...
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Weird News
Dog dials 911 to get help for owner
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. (UPI) -- Police say a service dog trained to use the phone called 911 and got help when its Scottsdale, Ariz., owner suffered a serious seizure. Buddy, an 18-month-old German shepherd, used his teeth to press programmed buttons until a 911 dispatcher came on the line, The Arizona Republic reported. Buddy can be heard whimpering in a recording of the call placed Wednesday from the home of Joe Stalnaker, who suffers seizures from injuries received during military service, the Republic said. Buddy was trained to retrieve the phone and call 911 with his teeth when Stalnaker blacks out, the Republic reported, noting Buddy previously had made three or four 911 calls for other emergencies. "He's my world. He's my best friend, no question. He's always there," said Stalnaker, who was hospitalized for two days but has recovered.
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Shea Stadium apple heading to new ballpark
NEW YORK (UPI) -- The Shea Stadium apple is headed to Citi Field, the new home of the New York Mets. Everything else at Shea Stadium is being sold -- from napkin holders to lockers -- as the Mets leave for their new stadium, but the iconic fiberglass apple is not on the market, the New York Post reported. Although the Mets are hanging on to the kitschy icon, the new stadium will get a shiny new apple, as well, the newspaper said. "The old apple will have a home at the new stadium," said Stu Oxenhorn, director of the sports memorabilia collector firm MeiGray Vintage. "Let's face it -- the apple is Shea Stadium," said Mets third baseman David Wright. "If they hadn't (taken it over), I was going to be first in line to get a piece of it." The 9-foot, 582-pound red fiberglass apple has been popping out of a 10-foot upside-down black plywood top hat every time a Met hits a homer since 1980.
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Police: Woman posed as teenage cheerleader
GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Wisconsin woman assumed her 15-year-old daughter's identity so she could be a high school cheerleader, police allege. Police said Wendy Brown of Ashwaubenon allegedly told authorities she posed as her daughter at Ashwaubenon High School -- and even practiced with a cheerleading squad -- to rekindle high school memories, the Green Bay (Wis.) Post-Gazette reported. Brown's true identity was discovered during a truancy investigation initiated after the woman did not attend school after the first day. Since Brown allegedly used her teenage daughter's personal information, including Social Security card and birth certificate, to register for school, she faces a felony charge of identity theft. Brown allegedly told police she had wanted to make up for missed childhood experiences but Green Bay police said the situation was not so simple. "We find it not funny at all," Lt. Jody Crocker told the Post-Gazette. The newspaper said Brown was previously convicted of obstructing a police officer, burglary and deceptive practices and was arrested Sept. 3 on an unspecified misdemeanor charge.