"Confession" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.
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Animal Weather Tips
To tell the weather, go to the back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
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Stupidity BonusIt's the 1990's, and at this electronics manufacturer, all the factory IT systems run on a cluster of VAX minicomputers, says a technician working there."Each software engineer's log-in ID was his last name," tech says. "Thus, the jobs they ran on the computers would show in the process list with their names on them."That list is displayed when a particular system command is run. But the monitor command is very resource-intensive, and there's only one person who uses it except when absolutely necessary. That's the director of manufacturing IT, who runs it constantly."Why?" the systems administrator asks the director in a meeting. And the tech overhears the director whispering to his right-hand manager that he uses it to keep an eye on who's being productive.Tech is outraged. "This was not a fair measurement of productivity," he says. "An analyst running a data-crunching job would show up prominently on the director's screen, but an engineer developing real-time code on a piece of manufacturing equipment would never show up. Also, somebody who wrote shoddy code that took forever to run would be viewed in a more favorable light than somebody who wrote fast, tight code."As soon as the meeting was over, I went back to my desk and wrote a simple program that was nothing but an infinite loop. I then set myself up to be able to launch the command at lowest priority on any computer to run for a random amount of time."As a result, the tech's program only uses up idle CPU time -- but it always shows up at the top of the CPU-monitor list."Then I randomly launched the program on different computers in the cluster at different times," says the tech. "Especially evenings and weekends when I was working overtime and the director happened to be in as well. I made sure my idle loop was prominently appearing on his screen from several directions at once."For the entire time I worked for that division, I received stellar annual performance reviews. I also received higher-than-average merit pay increases each year."I always wonder how much of that was due to the busy little program."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
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Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
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Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.
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Sounds
A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She
then went around the circle and asked each one a question.
"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"
Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"
"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"
Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"
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"It's so easy to blame others which is one of the reasons I enjoy doing
it." - Bill Muse
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Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."
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Another Definition of Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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Love
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen