"Wireless Security"
How to install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
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Oneliner
"Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture." - Jacquelyn Mitchard
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"Escalator"
My wife recently came home from shopping with an escalator.
She'll buy anything marked down!
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50th Wedding Anniversary
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for
their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there
is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'"
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
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The other superheroes were getting tired of Flatulence man always blaming
his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.
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"A Dollar Per Point"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
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CleanQuote
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
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"Disappointment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes-- "How To Handle Disappointment."
I got it home and the box was empty.
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Rank Explanation
My brother was home on leave from his post in Hawaii. He announced
that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all
pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about
military rankings, especially those of the Navy, asked him to explain
what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and
said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, but now I'm Frank Burns."
Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.