!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Paper Walls"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"The opposite of joy is not sorrow, it is unbelief."
- Leslie Wetherhead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Sam and George go to the bank to cash their paychecks.
After Sam cashes his check George hands the young teller his check. He moves away from the teller, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
The cashier says: Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
George says nothing and joins Sam who says: "She's got some nerve, you should complain to the manager!"
"Oh no," George says, "in fact I was going to tell her that I just thought you'd like to know she gave me ten dollars too much."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had
specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were
gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found
it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many Thanks to MAK:
Thank you all so very much!!!
A special thanks to all those forwards I have received
in 2005....
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe; secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times
to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go
get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or DR Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who won't
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though
I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)
How did the pretzel maker increase business? With a
new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where does a vampire take a shower? In the bat-room!
(Anjelika, 10)
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meat-ball!
(Kasey, 6)
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no
longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have
branches?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of
no return.
If you run through a screen door you'll strain
yourself.
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her
good looks from me.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a
sentence using the words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought
for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased our cat and
he bitter end."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK:
When at last I took the time to look into the heart of
a flower, it opened up a whole new world.....a world
where every country walk would be an adventure, where
every garden would become an enchanted one. ~Princess
Grace of Monaco
What activities in your life help transport you from
the mundane to the marvelous? Looking into the heart
of a flower may not work for you. Perhaps what works
for you is watching a professional athlete.....whether
it's a football player or a golfer or a
gymnast.....move with precision and grace.
Diabetes management doesn't have to be the focus of
your days. The focus of each day is the wonder, joy,
and fulfillment that can be found when we really seek
meaning in our moments. Life is the focus of our
lives. Diabetes management is really just a task we
need to complete so that we can enjoy life.
Have a great week! Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From LBS: January---Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties,
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales,
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store,
(less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous,
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces,
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself,
in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again,
to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last,
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food,
that I like must be banished
Till all the additional,
ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie,
not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew,
on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore-
But isn't that what,
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all,
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"