Loan Arithmitic
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?' 'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly. 'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?' 'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
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Lacking Intelligence?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
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A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says
the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football
stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So,
I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and
each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:
$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them paid."
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AntiquesA senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news.""What's the good news?" the senior asked."The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser."Fantastic! What's the bad news?""Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."
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"In Spain this week, the annual Running of the Bulls was
held. This year, seven runners were gored by bulls. The
runners are doing fine, but the bulls can't stop laughing."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"Paris Hilton has a new shirt. It has a picture of herself.
That's so if she gets lost, she will remember who she is."
-Jimmy Kimmel
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"It's summer time! Time to pack up the family and head out
to the water park to catch E. coli." -Dave Letterman
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Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here
are some of the submissions:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales
at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It
should be used only for company business (Accounting manager,
Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are
more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today
regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal
Affairs Division)
One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project
I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.
He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
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Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?
A: A cocka-poodle-doo!
Q. Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?
A. Because of the Peking Duck.
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Flight Engineer in Panama
As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety. But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.
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The Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting.Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation.Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food.Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love.Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered trade, invented money.Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
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More Thoughts On Aging
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. - You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. - You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. - The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. - Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. - It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. - You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. - Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. - When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there. - You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
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You are a Nerd If...
- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires - If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal - If you have more toys than your kids - If you need a checklist to turn on the TV - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name - If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work - If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight - If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it - If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary - If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already