Parental RulesA priest at a parochial school wanted to point out the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicit from the youngsters, rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant."Don't play with your food," one second grader cited."Don't be loud," said another, and so on..."And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."
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Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over
every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a
year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when
she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said
they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while.
After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep
timer set for 90 minutes.
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I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my employer and have been
waiting for approval for over five weeks.
I found out today that it has taken this long because my loan officer was
unable to get verification of my employment.
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"There are still places where people think that the function of the media is
to provide information." - Don Rottenberg
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"Cherokee Language"
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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CleanQuote
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost."- Charles Caleb Colton
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"The Devil's Beattitudes" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians - they save me the effort of trying to keep them from God's blessings.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked - its pretty easy to keep them from working for God.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church - they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers - they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers - I'm all ears for them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes - for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church - for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip - for they shall cause strife and division - that pleases me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended - for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work - for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister - for they shall be with me forever.