Six Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
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2. Most people, after reading the first truth, will try it.
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3. The first truth is a lie.
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4. You're smiling now because you tried it.
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5. You will soon forward this to someone else.
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6. There's still a smile on your face.
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Harvest
Every year, spring enticed me with visions of succulent
harvests. Yet the Army seemed to have no sympathy for my
gardening attempts. Each year I planted my garden, but by
the time it broke ground, I was uprooted.
Then I received word that I was to be transferred to Fort
surroundings, I felt as desolate as the desert scenery. But
when I entered my quarters, I discovered that the entire
22-foot length of one wall was floor- to-ceiling glass,
perfect for a greenhouse. Taped to one corner was this note
from the former occupant:
"Outside this window are nine scraggly plants. Right now
they look like weeds, but soon they will be full of
tomatoes. Since I can't be here to care for them, I'm hoping
you might do it.
"Enjoy the tomatoes for me!"
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Ice Cream Murder
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.
He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.
A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:
"It looks like he's topped himself"
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Signs That Things are Weird
- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
- In a
- On an
- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
- On a
- On an
- On a
- On a
- In downtown
- In the window of an
- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
- In a
- In front of a
- In front of a
- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."
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Excuse Me!
The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.
- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.
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Give it Up
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
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"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in
President Bush was a little confused. He came out onto
the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef."
-Dave Letterman
***
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will
be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person
on the bottom." -Jay Leno
***
"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their
movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.
I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And
another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson
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A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting
title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes
out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out
for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"
He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He
gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she
didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9:00, do you think you'll be
finished eating by then?"