Recent Quips from Late Night
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno "President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel "While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman "Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno "In Beijing people are still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week -- this is a true story -- a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution; it’s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien "And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno
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Mommy Test
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?" Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom.
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Computer Messages in Haiku
Your file was so big.It might be very useful.But now it is gone. The Web site you seekCannot be located, butCountless more exist. Chaos reigns within.Reflect, repent, and reboot.Order shall return. Program aborting:Close all that you have worked on.You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that. First snow, then silence.This thousand-dollar screen diesSo beautifully. With searching comes lossAnd the presence of absence:"My Novel" not found.
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Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
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"Newly declassified documents show that Julia Childs, a
famous chef, was a spy. I like to spy on things in my
kitchen...then I interrogate them in my tummy."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
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After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my
dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition.
The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test
drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car
broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.
When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the
driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me
with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take
to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"
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Dinosaurs are fascinating. My four-year-old is obsessed with
them.
Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another
passenger for her name.
"My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son. "Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"
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Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of
alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a
glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one
in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show
you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not
have worms."
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Polar Bear Drink
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin...
...and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
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Missing NewspaperThe irate customer, calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was."Ma'am," said the employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition."So that's why no one was in church today."
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Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to
understand how the Indians must have felt when they first
encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I
asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked
very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual
clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's
date."
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"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to
go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which
leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault
will it be?'" -Jay Leno
***
"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say
one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money with-
out the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson