Guided Tour
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
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"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
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CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
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"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
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Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
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Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.