!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."