"Car Cow Sale"
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home. A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00. The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman. Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.......... BASIC COW...............................$500.00 Two tone exterior..........................$45.00 Extra stomach...............................$75.00 Product storing equipment..........$60.00 Straw compartment....................$120.00 4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00 Leather upholstery......................$125.00 Dual horns.....................................$45.00 Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00 Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00 GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00
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Oneliner
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."- Calvin and Hobbes - Bill Watterson
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CleanPun - "Busy Button"
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."
I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."
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Failing EyesightAn older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in that tree?"Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing.""Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward the tree, and collided with a cow.
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A Day in Court
A witness is testifying before the court, and the
prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes."
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions."
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes."
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes."
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this
courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raise their hands.
(What's a defense attorney to do?)
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One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
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One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is,
when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always
go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a
concussion turn you on.
***
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think
I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
***
The government will be requiring new food labels that are
more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low
fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group
of medical students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his
left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what
would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
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Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
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More Automobile Acronyms
GMGeneral Maintenance GMCGarage Man`s CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming? HONDAHad One, Never Did AgainHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else HYUNDAIHope You Understand Nothing`s Dr And Inexpensive MAZDAMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILEOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment SAABSend Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown. TOYOTAToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVOVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object VWVirtually Worthless