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Ride To Church
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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A Favorite... A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyedand upset when his girl wrote to break off theirengagement and ask for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all theunwanted photographs of women that he could find,bundled them all together, and sent them back with anote saying, "I regret that I cannot remember whichone you are. Please keep your photo and return theothers."
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MOTHERS SAID:PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you thinkyou have to go, young man. Midnight is past yourcurfew!"MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind youhaving a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growingunder your bed?"MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your fatherand I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smileyou can give us?"HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told youonce, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on thatwall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you'vediscovered, Christopher. You still could havewritten!"BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I toldyou--quit playing ball in the house! That's the thirdbroken window this week!"MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on wallslike other children? Do you have any idea how hard itis to get that stuff off the ceiling?"NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren'thiding your report card inside your jacket, then takeyour hand out of there and prove it!"CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I toldyou--don't go biting off more than you can chew!"ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipehat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like theother kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are yourfavorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a littlepurple."MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followedyou to school, Mary, but I would like to know how hegot a better grade than you."BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do yourealize how much the insurance is going to be?"GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a bustedchair from the Bear family. You know anything aboutthis, Goldie?"LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got tosay is if you don't get off your tuffet and startcleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spidersaround here!"ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's yoursenior picture. Can't you do something about yourhair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch youthrowing money across the Potomac, you can kiss yourallowance good-bye!"JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell mewhere you've really been for the last three days."SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I havediscussed it, and we've decided you can have your owntelephone line. Now will you quit spending so muchtime in all those phone booths?"THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that youinvented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn offthat light and get to bed!"
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The Old PoodleA wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a lookof terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey?!?! I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"Moral of this story is "Don't mess with old farts ... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Charismatic : Only 1Hands are already in the air.Pentecostal : 10One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.Presbyterians : NoneLights will go on and off at predestined times.Roman Catholic : NoneCandles only.Baptists: At least 15.One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .Episcopalians: 3One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.Mormons : 5One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.Unitarians :We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have foundthat light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.Methodists : Undetermined Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.Nazarene :6One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.Lutherans: NoneLutherans don't believe in change.Amish :What's a light bulb?"You don't always get a second chance. Don't die wondering!"
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A Quick Fix...Three women were sitting around and bragging abouttheir children. The first one says, "You know, my songraduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now adoctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."The second woman says, "You know my son graduatedfirst in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer,making half a million dollars a year and lives in LosAngeles."The last woman says, "You know my son; he never didtoo well in school. He never went to any university,but he now makes one million dollars a year in NewYork working as a sports repairman."The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... youknow, hockey games, football games, baseballgames...."
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Building A Bridge (don't get all upset -- it is just ajoke. Folks are touchy these days, but here on DH welaugh at ourselves and everyone else. It keeps usyoung... or something like that. ts)The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.A group of them got together and approached aconference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese andasked for help on this matter.An American replied, "You must do something so theworld will respect you. The Japanese are known fortheir technology and the Germans are known for theirresourcefulness. We Americans have had respect sincewe helped win the World War against the other two.See, you need to do something world-famous."A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find aplace in this world in need of a bridge that no onehas dared build, build it, come back to us, and wewill help publicize it."With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.They designed it and worked six months and finallycompleted it. They then went back to report it to thegroup. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it hadone flaw: it was erected in the middle of the SaharaDesert.An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you haveyour reputation. There is no need for a bridge in themiddle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, andfind a more strategic spot to erect it."The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks.One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took youtwo weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a newone??? That is amazing!!"To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantleit because there were all these Italians fishing offit."
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Signs Your Church Has Sold Out To Big CorporateSponsors:- Nike "swoosh" on the cross- Communion now sponsored by Welch's Grape Juice- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench- Personal pew licenses now sold- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters- Scripture verses brought to you by Windows '98- Preacher doing subliminal product messages duringsermon - Bulletin has coupon section- Choir members wear Dockers instead of robes.- In the restrooms, an attendant hands you a towel- There is a credit card swiper on the collectionplate- Offering envelopes bearing Visa or Mastercardemblems on them - Handicap parking sponsored by the Family MedicalGroup, LLC - Wednesday night suppers sponsored by KFC- Sunday morning televised services sponsored by theFOX network - Church vans traded in for Ford Broncos- Church bell chimes to the tune of the NBC chimes- Choir robes with the Lands' End emblem on front- Sunday bulletins with the CNN logo- Free Perrier at all baptism- Church flag football team sponsored byt he XFL.
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A Seasonal Extra -- The Twelve Nights of HalloweenOn the first night of Halloween My true love gave tome... A vulture in a dead tree!On the second night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Two flying bats And a vulture in a dead tree!On the third night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the fourth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flyingbats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the fifth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Threeblack cats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a deadtree!On the sixth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS,Four hooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats,And a vulture in a dead tree!On the seventh night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting,Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three blackcats, Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the eighth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking,Six ghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Fourhooting owls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And avulture in a dead tree!On the ninth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting,Seven doors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the tenth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!On the eleventh night of Halloween My true love gaveto me... Eleven witches brewing, Ten spiders spinning,Nine monsters howling, Eight vampires biting, Sevendoors a-creaking, Six ghosts a-haunting, FiveTRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hooting owls, Three black cats,Two flying bats, And a vulture in a dead tree!On the twelfth night of Halloween My true love gave tome... Twelve pumpkins grinning, Eleven witchesbrewing, Ten spiders spinning, Nine monsters howling,Eight vampires biting, Seven doors a-creaking, Sixghosts a-haunting, Five TRICK-OR-TREATS, Four hootingowls, Three black cats, Two flying bats, And a vulturein a dead tree!