hUMOR For April 9th

Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

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The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my

mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that

men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to

parallel park?"

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Woman bites pit bull to protect Labrador

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) -- A Minneapolis woman said she bit a pit bull on the nose to get the dog to release the grip it had on the throat of her Labrador retriever.

Amy Rice said she tried to pry the jaws of the female pit bull apart to free her dog, Ella, but she was forced to resort to more drastic measures when the large dog refused to relent, the Star-Tribune newspaper in Minneapolis reported.

"I ended up biting the pit bull on the nose," she said. "I didn't plan it, that's what happened. I broke the skin and had pit bull blood in my mouth. I knew what happened and I knew that it wasn't good."

Rice said Ella has been afraid to go for walks since the confrontation. She said the Labrador was given several staples and stitches to her head and suffers from a crushed ear canal as a result of the attack, the newspaper said.

The pit bull has been quarantined by Minneapolis Animal Control to determine whether the animal has rabies.

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Wild boar attacks German man

BERLIN (UPI) -- An elderly Berlin man said he was attacked by a wild boar that was apparently attempting to protect its piglets from his dog.

Nikolaus Basedow, 69, said he was taking his Doberman-German Shepherd mix, Tobi, for a walk Tuesday when he came across two wild boars, one of which was accompanied by young piglets, Der Spiegel reported.

"Tobi was surprised and barked," Basedow said. "Then it all happened very quickly."

He told Der Spiegel the dog's barking spooked the sows and the one walking with her offspring rushed to protect them by charging in the direction of the aggressive sound.

"The huge sow -- she was a real monster -- slammed into me, right in the middle of the pavement, and tore my calf open from bottom to top with its teeth," Basedow said.

He said the boar left an 8-inch gash in his leg, Der Spiegel reported. A neighbor administered first aid and Basedow was taken to a hospital for treatment.

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Missing turtle found at construction site

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A turtle that was missing for at least six months from a Fort Worth, Texas, museum appeared this week on a construction site, a curator at the museum said.

The 15-pound, 5-year-old snapping turtle, Bob, was found in good health, despite his more slender physique, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported.

Bob was noticed to be missing Sept. 15, when the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History evacuated a building for renovations, said Leishawn Spotted Bear, assistant museum curator of science.

Bob's old home, a pond outside the museum, has been torn down and the location for the new building has been completely unearthed two times, said Steve Anderson, director of public affairs for the museum.

"He has somehow managed to survive under the earth. We don't know why he emerged today, perhaps because of the recent rain," Anderson told the newspaper.

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Miscommunication

"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

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"Analytical Gunfighters"

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1% Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

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Today's CleanQuote

"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean- then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons."
- Mike Bullard

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Illustration - "Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated

~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.

~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.

~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.

~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.

~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.

~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.

~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.

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Blonde Jan T.’s Phone

Because blonde Jan had a habit of losing her cordless phone, Bob bought
her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her
belt. A few days later, Bob walked in and found blonde Jan
standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That
didn't strike Bob as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her
pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," blonde Jan yelled. "The phone started ringing
and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"