Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights,
radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago
people did not have any of these things, which is just as
well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along
came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by
the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's
brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny
earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the
post office.
-- Dave Barry, "What Is Electricity?"
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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!
If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to�..<1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Also forward this to every one you can remember.
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There is a new restaurant chain opening nationwide. It is a partnership
between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're
going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"
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An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
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SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.2. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.3. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.4. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.5. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.6. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.7. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 8. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.9. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?10. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN!
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If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp.If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.If you don't, you're a slob.If you buy her flowers, you're after something.If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired.If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
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Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.