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Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair
some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested
area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of
a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one
crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across
the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's
been waiting to cross?"
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Chocolate Ice Cream
A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please." The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn't come this morning. We're out of chocolate." "In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate." "Then just give me some chocolate," he insists. Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'" The man spells, "V A N." "Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'" "OK. S-T-R-A-W." "Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate." The man hesitates, then confused, replied, "There is no stink in chocolate." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
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Sarge & the new recruits
One day, a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his breeches. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant that was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"
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No Novacaine
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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For The Kids...
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is a husband.
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Tip Top Shape
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
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Idiots In The Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
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I'm Tired!
Christmas was finally over and the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
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For The Kids...
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?Slippers! Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto! What happened when the wheel was invented?It caused a revolution!
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I Always Wondered About That
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering
university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction
equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer
that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of
the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one
of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and
asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on
the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said,
"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in
winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.