The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his own stamp.
That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you
wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Farmers Will
TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he
has in the past.
TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year
anyway.
TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I
never did.
TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.
TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer
dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.
TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No sense
having good weather now.
TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.
TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now
properly assumed all of his obligations.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been working here since they threatened to fire me.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Wise WomenYou do know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise Men, don't you?They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
+++++++++++++++++++
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer
to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve
so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve as
Santa Claus landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very
loud "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which
one it was. It happened again, only louder this time: "Snort
sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh
when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT
SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the
neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of
their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove
quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer
and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present
until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose
steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and I
have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you
a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the
only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
Received from Cathy Gilstrap.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Movie Seats"
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Advent, like its cousin Lent, is a season for prayer and reformation of our hearts. Since it comes at winter time, fire is a fitting sign to help us celebrate Advent…If Christ is to come more fully into our lives this Christmas, if God is to become really incarnate for us, then fire will have to be present in our prayer. Our worship and devotion will have to stoke the kind of fire in our souls that can truly change our hearts. Ours is a great responsibility not to waste this Advent time."- Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 187
+++++++++++++++++++
I Heard The Bells" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was filled with sorrow at the tragic death of his wife in a fire in 1861. The Civil War broke out that same year, and it seemed this was an additional punishment. Two years later, Longfellow was again saddened to hear the his own son had been seriously wounded as a lieutenant in the Army of the Potomac.Sitting down to his desk, one Christmas Day, he heard the church bells ringing, and ringing. It was in this setting he wrote:
I heard the bells on Christmas DayTheir old familiar carols playAnd wild and sweet the words repeatOf peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my headThere is no peace on earth I saidFor hate is strong and mocks the songOf peace on earth, good will to men.
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.The wrong shall fail, the right prevailWith peace on earth, good will to men.
At this Chirstmas time whether you are in sorrow or in joy you can know that God is not dead, not doth he sleep. He knows your every need and longs to comfort you and be that special friend you need. Seek Him this year instead of the outward manifestations of the season. He will give life real meaning and your heart real peace, the peace that passes all understanding.
+++++++++++++++++++
Pet Peeves of Department Store Santa's
1. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not
gin.
2. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
3. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch."
4. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your
hip flask.
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School.
6. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes.
7. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he
got back from "Nam."
8. Two words: lap rash.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was recently talking with a friend who bemoaned her family's lack of
holiday rituals. "My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained.
"We just do the same thing year after year after year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Inspected by # 6. Stepped in # 2.