New Apartment
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Driver's Test”
It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Deep Voice
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep
voice: DIG!
He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I
SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and
after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock
with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally
open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes
the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette
tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze
at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The
table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier
throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Fishing Advice
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything
all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of
fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all
those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream
until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry
fish."
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later,
one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with
water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.
Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check
again.
"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope.
Still salty."
"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been
walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Taxes were due today. I don't like writing the check. I
thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible
spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?"
-Jimmy Kimmel
***
"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie
would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story
and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in
the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the
amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for
the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),
but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for
her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,
he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with
her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the
family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently
on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he
yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my
phone."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his
latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.
His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking
little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and
taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-
nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over
12 hours ago."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Work Vs. Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Adopted Twins
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Minnesota
This happened about a month ago just outside of
This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!
But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."