On A Serious Note:
I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.
If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Laws of Cartoon Motion
"I KNOW this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law!"
-Bugs Bunny, High Diving Hare (1949)
1. ANY BODY SUSPENDED IN SPACE WILL REMAIN SUSPENDED IN SPACE UNTIL
MADE AWARE OF ITS SITUATION.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters flippantly until he chances to look down. At this point the
familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes precedence.
2. ANY BODY IN MOTION WILL TEND TO REMAIN IN MOTION UNTIL SOLID
MATTER INTERVENES SUDDENLY.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone
pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely.
Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination the stooge's surcease.
3. ANY BODY PASSING THROUGH SOLID MATTER WILL LEAVE A PERFORATION
CONFORMING TO ITS PERIMETER.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of direct pressure explosions and reckless
cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through
the wall of a house.
4. THE TIME REQUIRED FOR AN OBJECT TO FALL 20 STORIES IS GREATER THAN
OR EQUAL TO THE TIME IT TAKES FOR WHOEVER KNOCKED IT OFF THE LEDGE TO
SPIRAL DOWN 20 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE IT UNBROKEN.
Such an object is inevitably priceless; the attempt to catch it,
inevitably unsuccessful.
5. ALL PRINCIPLES OF GRAVITY ARE NEGATED BY FEAR.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them away from the surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a
running character or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, ergo fleeing turns to flight.
6. AS SPEED INCREASES OBJECTS CAN BE SEEN IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT PLACES AT ONCE.
This is particularly true in tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be seen emerging from a cloud of altercation at
several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled, and simulates our own
vision's trailing retention of images. A "wacky" character has the
option of self-replication only at maniac-high speeds and may
ricochet off the walls to achieve the velocity required for
self-mass-liberation.
7. CERTAIN
TUNNEL ENTRANCE, OTHERS CANNOT.
This tompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface
to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he
attempts to pursue into the painting. This is ultimately a problem
of art, not science.
8. NECESSITY PLUS WILL PROVOKES SPONTANEOUS GENERATION.
Dangerously palpable objects - such as mallets, dynamite, pies and
alluring female attire - can be manifested from what might previously
have been considered "thin" air, but only when the friction of
immediate jeopardy makes the object's appearance imperative. The
controversial "pocket" theory suggests these objects are drawn from
unseen recesses of a character's costume, or from a storehouse
immediately off-screen, but this merely defers the question of how
any absolutely apt object is instantaneously available.
9. ANY VIOLENT REARRANGEMENT OF FELINE MATTER IS IMPERMANENT.
Cartoon cats possess more deaths than even the traditional nine
lives afford. They can be sliced, splayed, accordion-pleated or
disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of
blinking self-pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back or solidify.
10. FOR EVERY VENGEANCE, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REVENGEANCE.
This is one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to
the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Angry Neighbor
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "Watch", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "F'gosh sakes, you idiot, it's 2am in the blankety-blank morning!"
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Makes You Think
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
The Getaway
A man walked into a
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Why Teenagers, Like, Like 'Like'
"So we were all, like, hanging out. And then this guy comes over and starts, like, hassling us. Then he's all like, 'Get outta here!' And we were all, like, 'This is public property.'"
People write me all the time to complain about teenagers' talking like this. "Why does every other word have to be 'like'?" they ask. "It's a filler," they write, "a verbal tic like 'um' and 'you know.' It's monotonous and mindless."
Monotonous it may be, but it's hardly mindless. In fact, teenagers use "like" to impart subtle nuances and convey the emotional essence of events.
As linguist Geoffrey Nunberg points out in his fascinating book "Going Nucular" (PublicAffairs, $18.95), peppering sentences with "like" emerged in the slang of jazz musicians and beatniks during the 1950s. The word "like," he writes, "didn't actually mean anything so much as it evoked, the way a jazz riff does."
Because "like" implies comparison, it distances speakers from their words, reflecting casualness and even a mistrust of words' ability to fully convey an event or idea. Phrases such as "we were all, like, hanging out" and "starts, like, hassling us" suggest that "hanging out" and "hassling us" don't fully capture the events described, but provide the general idea.
Similarly, Nunberg observes, "like" can be used to finesse a request ("Could I, like, stay at your place?"); express disbelief ("So you're, like, firing me?"); and soft-pedal a suggestion ("We should consider, like, moving.")
----
During the 1980s, teenagers started using "like" in a new way: to introduce quotations, as an apparent synonym for "said," as in, "We were all, like, 'This is public property.''
But here's the catch: "Like" doesn't really mean "said."
For when teenagers say, "He was all, like, 'Get outta' here!'" they don't necessarily mean those were the speaker's exact words. They mean that what follows is an approximation of the tone of what he said. In fact, he may not have said anything but simply grunted and chased them away.
In this context, "like" is being used to introduce a brief imitation of the person's behavior. That's why the words following "like" are often accompanied by a physical gesture such as waving arms or a clenched fist.
But will all these fancy explanations stop adults from waving their arms and clenching their fists when they hear teenagers sprinkle their sentences with "like"?
I wouldn't, like, count on it.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.