Monday, May 02, 2011

Today's hUMOR

Good morning crew,

The girlfriend and I were sitting around after lunch Sunday
afternoon and discussing what to do with the rest of the
day.

"How about a movie?" I suggested.

"A movie? On such a gorgeous day? Why don't we go horseback
riding?"

"Sorry. I am not climbing on the back of a fifteen hundred
pound animal that is not smart enough not to kill me if it
gets startled by a car horn or something."

"Don't be such a sissy," she criticized. "The horses they
give beginners are very tame. Besides, it's fun!"

I stared at her with as straight a face as I could manage
and said, "I don't see how you can be so cavalier about
getting on a horse."

ZING!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast
beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it, and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of
the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the
way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and
her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of
the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma
replied that it was the way her mother had done it.

Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing
home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to
see her and again asked the question.

Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it
would fit in the pan, of course."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Federal Government Golf Rules 
 
 
 
 
 
President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in November 2011.  This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.
 
Golfers with handicaps:
 
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%. 
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees. 
- above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play. 

The term
 "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows: 
-handicaps  below 10, no entitlements. 
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts. 
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
 

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.

This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
 

Golf
 must be about Fairness.   It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do".