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Cow Legs
A little boy came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his
mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to
guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
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Two-Fer
The plant foreman comes to this technician with a challenge: He wants a way
to display important operational statistics so machine operators can see
them at a glance.
"We threw around a few ideas and finally came up with a wall-mounted LED
sign, similar to those you might find at airport baggage claims," the tech
says. "I shopped around and found a high-bright, three-color, four-line
model, 6 feet by 1 foot in size. Perfect for the application, but pricey:
$6,000 each."
And because there are three groups of machines, there will have to be three
signs, bringing the total price to $18,000. But to the tech's surprise, the
signs are approved and installed.
But he is concerned about one thing: The plant's electric power isn't very
clean. So he makes sure three battery-backed surge protectors are added to
the budget -- cheap insurance for an $18,000 investment.
"Fast-forward a couple of months," says the tech. "The signs are operating
fine. The operators use the data from the signs to compete with their
fellow operators. Because of the competition, output and the quality of the
output have both improved. Everyone's happy."
Then one day the power goes out. Inside this plant, it is dark. Really
dark. Almost pitch black -- except for the operators of these machines.
They're still happy. They can find their way to the nearest exit.
Why? Because the I.T. department has provided them with an $18,000,
battery-backed-up operation stats display, which also happens to serve as
an emergency lighting system!
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Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"
"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."
"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"
"Sure thing."
Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Beware of the letter G.
It is the end of everything.
********************************
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
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Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Theology...kid style
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot.
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Fred
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. I! t
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon?
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last:
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
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------------------
No one can injure eyesight by looking at the bright side of life.
------------------
What I like most about myself is that I’m so understanding when I do something wrong.
------------------
OVERHEARD AT A CLASS REUNION: Jim: "Are you still working?" John: "Parts of me are."
------------------
We are not masters of this planet…only guests.
------------------
Old bookkeepers never die. They just lose their balance.
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A SPRING FEELING: Sometimes we all feel like a snapdragon – no snap and everything draggin!
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A heart full of love and appreciation that Jesus was the Son of God was what made the thief on the cross eligible for heaven. He couldn’t give his life in service to others to thank Jesus. He believed. Jesus saw his heart!!
------------------
The stone was rolled away, not to let Jesus out, but to let the disciples in.
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Some minds are like finished concrete – thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
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OLD IS BEAUTIFUL! It is the old violins that produce the richest tones.
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FAULTS ARE THICK WHERE LOVE IS THIN.
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A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
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RESPECT one another! Says the Lamb and the Lion!
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TODAY: Today is mine, Tomorrow may not come, My race of life, May end at set of sun, Then may I hear, The Master say, "Well done"!, Today is mine, Tomorrow may not come.
********************************
Thanks to J&GB: Computer Help Desk, Please
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
******
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
.."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted
it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...
******
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
******
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
******
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
******
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the supermarket.
******
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that
one does work!
******
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number
7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
******
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
******
Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
******
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears!
*******
And then there is my personal favorite!!
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the
circle around it?