Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
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SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
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VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
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If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
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BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
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PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
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ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
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MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
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PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
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FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
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WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
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ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
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