The Elderly Couple
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance further before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he griped at her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute while driving.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
"Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past."
(Deuteronomy 32:7a)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They Vote!!!
From: Lanell Baker [mailto:mlb@hiwaay.net]
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:53 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: Fw: They Vote!!!
THEY VOTE!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.
Caution! . .
. . . . . . . . . .These people Vote
==================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff". . . . .
. . . .She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
. . . . . . .He ALSO votes!
==========
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving"
......She ALSO votes!
==========
My sister has a life saving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk . .
........My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . .
.
He also votes.....
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned. . . . . .
. . . . My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet? "
. . . . . . . . . Oh my God, she votes, too!!
=========
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6 . . . . . .
. . .Yep, he votes too.
=========
Now you know who elects the politicians!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE DILLARD'S THIEF In San Antonio, Texas.
This is too funny! This could only be true, you can't make this stuff up.
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit---no flies, no
smell.
What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen.
"Come on, Ellen, let's just go..." But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and
then I'll take the tissue." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then
used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own
Dillard's bag and cover it.
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods>
in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's
burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's
Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to
Luby's Cafeteria.
After they cleared the serving line and sat down at a window table, they had
a view of Kay's Chevy with the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long. As they ate, they noticed a black-haired woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car, look quickly this way and that, and then
hook the Dillard's bag without breaking stride.
She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of
them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine? " finally sputtered
Ellen.
"The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh
was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the
red-gingham thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized with a shock the black-haired woman with the Dillard's
bag, THE Dillard's bag, hanging from her arm, brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After clearing the register, the
woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair
and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted
the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.
Looking from side e to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience
three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew.
The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching
her upper chest.
The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and
sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained
riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes the curly-haired woman emerged from the crowd, still
gasping, strapped securely on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while
a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar, she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors, the Dillard's bag perched on her stomach.
My mom always taught me if it doesn't belong to you don't touch it, guess
she didn't have a wise mom like I do. Serves her right, God does take care
of those who do bad things!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBITUARY: THE SAD PASSING OF COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm,life isn't always fair, and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended - his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.
If not join the majority and do nothing.