A Man's Disease
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Children At Play
As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at
our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb
children's playground next door. My wife organized games
outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter
and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids
were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After
three hours, she called it quits.
The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two
boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children
could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our
nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking
momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they
asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"
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"A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers
of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a shame because if
they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half
that." -Conan O'Brien
***
"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes,
which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became
president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form
of flattery." --Jay Leno
***
"Did you barbeque today? Over 100 million Americans barbequed
today because the polar ice caps just aren't melting fast
enough!" --Dave Letterman
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once
all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the
scene - what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light
up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said
in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match
in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the
last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market
when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim
advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,
etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George
should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the winds and six months later
sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!
Now send me some "retrievers!"
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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market
when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim
advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,
etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George
should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the winds and six months later
sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!
Now send me some "retrievers!"
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Car Thieves
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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Holiday Spirit
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Cow Dealer
A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer.
One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
| Basic cow | $499.95 |
| Shipping and handling | $35.75 |
| Extra stomach | $79.25 |
| Two tone exterior | $142.10 |
| Produce storage compartment | $126.50 |
| Heavy duty straw chopper | $189.60 |
| Four spigot/high output drain system | $149.20 |
| Automatic fly swatter | $88.50 |
| Genuine cowhide upholstery | $179.90 |
| Deluxe dual horns | $59.25 |
| Automatic fertilizer attachment | $339.40 |
| | $884.16 |
| Pre-delivery wash and comb | $69.80 |
| FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: | $2843.36 |
| Additional dealer adjustments: | $300.00 |
| TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options): | $3143.36 |
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Men!
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of
the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If men would only listen.
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Shaking Hands
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
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Government Employee
State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for a beautiful castle right now!"
Shazaaam! He has a beautiful castle.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women."
Shazaam! He is on an island surrounded by gorgeous women.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
Shazaam! He's back in his government office.
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Arriving Early
The boss came in early one morning and found his manager kissing his beautiful secretary.
He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, I'm doing this free of charge."
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Trucker's Revenge
A trucker was sitting at the lunch counter eating his morning eggs and hash browns when some bikers walked in.
One walked up and put his finger in the trucker's coffee and said, "That's not very hot, is it?"
Another put his finger in the trucker's scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, either, huh?"
After a few moments of silence, the trucker stood up, paid his bill and left the diner. "Not much of a man, was he?" said the first biker to the waitress.
"You're right about that," she replied, "and not much of a driver either. He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles.