Sensitive UserIt's upgrade time for this particularly sensitive user, and the technician assigned to work with her knows the drill. "This user was known to start crying when faced with changes in her work environment," says the tech. "We were upgrading the software she used and giving everyone in her department bigger monitors, and I wanted to take extra care that she understood the changes and was dealing with them OK."So when she calls the technician because she's having a problem, he's ready to listen patiently. But he's not prepared for what he hears. "It's going pretty well, I guess," user tells him. "But it's kind of hard to read the type in this new program."Tech examines the smallest type on the new screens. It all looks razor-sharp to him, and easier to read than in the old software on the old monitors. "Which part of the screen are you having trouble with?" he asks.To his surprise, she launches the Windows Notepad and starts typing. The font is set to a large size, but she says, "This stuff here looks really blurry.""Hmm," says the tech. "It seems like you might be due for a new prescription for your glasses. When's the last time you were checked?""I just got new glasses a few days ago," she says."Do the notes posted next to your computer also looked blurry?" he asks.After a moment of looking at them, she replies, "Yeah, I guess so. I didn't realize that. Maybe you're right."When the tech tells the story to his boss, the boss's response is an astonished "She's been walking into walls for a week and she waits until today to blame it on our new software?"
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"Cross Country Move"
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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Oneliner
"If truth is beauty, how come no one gets their hair done in the library?"- Lily Tomlin
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CleanPun - "Inheritance"
The geek shall inherit the earth.
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A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something
nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to
buy her a cell phone. She is all excited--she loves her
phone. He shows it to her and explains all the features on
the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and
it's her husband.
"Hi hun," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it; it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
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Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
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The Bathtub Test It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
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I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT.
(You Got to Love it!)
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.
17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}
18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.
21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.
22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.