Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our
marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle
from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our
minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit
to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to
extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and
blow out hers?"
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The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of
his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
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I don't remember being absent minded.
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Gender Differences
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes,there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
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"Smuggler Prosecution"
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
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Illustration - "Expectations"
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.
"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"
"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."
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Pack a ParachuteA photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"
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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"According to a national organization that studies obesity,
nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third
of the country. In other words, geographically, America has
a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
***
"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the
Middle Ages for a cure they say works better than anything
they have in modern medicine for post-operative blood
coagulation. They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches. Or as most people know them,
HMOs." --Bill Maher
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The pastor's sermon focused on how God know's which of us
grows best in the sunlight and which of us needs shade.
"For example," he said, "roses must be planted in the sun,
but fuchsias thrive in the shade."
After the service, a woman, her face beaming, approached
him.
"Your sermon did me so much good," she said.
Before he had time to gloat too much, however, she added,
"I always wondered what was wrong with my fuchsias."
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After our friend Tom had been a temporary Bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his Home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating Properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom Told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything Like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, He waved his hand at a row
of doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
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Tacklebox Lures
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her
mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many
samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it
was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and
show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other
cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I
told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
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Broken tuba?
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
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The Happy Groom
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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You can't take it with you
Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."
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Answering Machine Message - Just Kidding
Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?