Hello.....
The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy
summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole
management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the
phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told
you everything I know!"
Friday, August 27, 2004
Short ones
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What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
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Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
******************************************************
One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
******************************************************
Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
******************************************************
Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
******************************************************
A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
******************************************************
Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
******************************************************
The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
******************************************************
What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
******************************************************
Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
******************************************************
One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
******************************************************
Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
******************************************************
Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
******************************************************
A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
******************************************************
Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
******************************************************
The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
******************************************************
Marvin
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."
Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD
Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
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