Saturday, October 11, 2008

hUMOR For Oct 11th

I like this concept. .. "A MUST READ"

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.
Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend. To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a Dividend, We Deserve It.Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.A husband and wife has $595,000.00.What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.Repay college loans - what a great boost to new gradsPut away money for college - it'll be thereSave in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.Buy a new car - create jobsInvest in the market - capital drives growthPay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improvesEnable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or elseRemember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive that is being proposedby one of our candidates for President.If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!As for AIG - liquidate it.Sell off its parts.Let American General go back to being American General.Sell off the real estate.Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!How do you spell Economic Boom?I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.Kindest personal regards, , A Creative Guy & Citizen of the RepublicPS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for a laugh or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

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Bidding Higher
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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For CFCC Students
Start Worrying When... You consider McDonalds 'real food'. 4.00AM is still early on weekends. You'd rather clean than study. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. Re-arranging your room is your favorite pastime. You schedule classes around sleep and TV soaps. There is less then $4.50 in your bank account at any given time. The Visa cards are full and the overdraft is up to its limit. Computer solitaire is more than a game, its a way of life. You get excited when you find change that someone carelessly left in the drinks machine.

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Read Aloud
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" asks Morris. "My life insurance policy."

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The Speeder
A Police Officer Pulls over a speeder and walks up to the driver. The driver says "I'm late for work Officer, I'm sorry I was speeding" The cop says, "Late for work are you ... well, I'll write you a late note."

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Repairing the Washing Machine

My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress
her with my technical expertise.

I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to
determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it
for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.

I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial
number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I
explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the
wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked
familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.

Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some
colleagues who were working in the back.

After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand.
He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with
the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire
from one of my wife's bras.

I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my
expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I
returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.

And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!

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NFL Political Correctness

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced yesterday its name changes for the upcoming season, as well as the first week's schedule that includes:
The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Vertically Gifted People on opening day.
Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
There are several key match ups, highlighted by the show down between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.
The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.
The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.
The Cincinnati Large Carnivorous Mammals from Bangladesh will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters.
And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.
Also featured, are the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

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Long LineThere she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound its way almost out the front door.A fellow customer spoke to the elderly lady waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall."Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."The customer became insistent. "But it would be so much easier for you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know. But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren are doing."

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Sports Car Dreams
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."