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Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Stained Glass
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
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FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
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Office Pranks for the Summer
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two.Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work. This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
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Parachute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air
National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47.
The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I
opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm
response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is
yours."